Tuesday, February 28, 2006

All men should attend 



Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays - Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoid the Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? - Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss Of Identity
Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost - Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? - Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Attention: Drivers 

Okay, people. If you drive, I have some important information to share with you, so PAY ATTENTION!!!

Next to the steering wheel, there are, depending on what kind of car you drive, one or two of these little stick things protruding from the shaft.... hee hee, I said shaft...... They actually have uses! WOW! I know, total shocker! They do lots of nifty things, too. On some cars, the one stick on the right will put your car in park, reverse, drive, or other gears. Cool, eh? Those things may be on a different stick in between the seats, but you should know that already.
I am wanting to share one of the wonders that the other stick makes possible. Now, most of you have already discovered the wiper function, which comes in handy in rain. Good for you! What most people seem to have never learned, or forgotten all about, is the TURN SIGNALS!!! See, what these TURN SIGNALS do is make people not want to KILL YOU!!! They are meant to be used when you are about to do something other than drive in a straight line.
Example: You want to be in the lane to your right. Instead of just swerving your car into that lane with no indication of what you are planning to do, thereby making the driver of the car you just cut in front of very angry and/or nervous because of an almost-accident on your behalf, use the stick! When you push the stick up, it makes a light on the back and front of your car start to blink, and this tells everyone that you are going to switch lanes. This light is called a TURN SIGNAL! It works the same way if you wanted to go back to the lane on your left, except you push the stick down. WOW!!! AMAZING!!!
Example: You want to turn off onto the next street. Use the TURN SIGNAL!!
Example: You are at a red light, and will be turning left at a busy intersection. Use the TURN SIGNAL!! That way, all the people won't be all pissed off at you, wondering why you don't go when the light turns green!!

Please, pass on this valuable information to anybody you think needs it. It can save lives.... mainly because someone won't get road rage and kill the person who hasn't yet learned what that little stick does.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ta-daaa!!! (guys may not want to read this) 

The magic of the ovaries has struck once again! My cysts have inexplicably disappeared! I went in for a check-up ultrasound on Monday, and the useless lumps have apparently vacated the premises. I am glad that they have vamanoosed, but now I have no excuse for feeling logy. I also have no excuse for other feelings, like the feeling of murderous rage I had about two weeks ago.
I normally don't get feelings of extreme anger/sadness/pain due to the curse of the reproductive system, or much else in the way of any side effects. I had, however, not been taking my birth control pills for the past two months, what with the uncertainty surrounding the stabbing abdominal pains that led to the discovery of the cysts in the first place. Apparently the lack thereof of said pills, and the existence of said cysts, combined to make my want to KILL EVERYONE. I actually thought I would go insane. Little things irked me to no end, and anything said the wrong way or in the wrong context drove me to dizzying new heights of stabby feelings. And then there were the cramps. They were by no means parallel to the aforementioned stabbing abdominal pains, but were on a pedestal all their own. It brought me back to the days when I was MUCH younger, and the birth control pill was as of yet unheard of by me, when every month all I wanted to do was reach through my belly button and rip out everything, throw it at the wall, and then blow up said wall.

Moral: The birth control pill is my idol, I will construct a shrine to these lovely little creators of sanity, light candles before it, and create songs illustrating my devotion to them. I will collect followers, and we shall form our own church, the 'No-baby Pill Adorators'. We shall travel the countryside spreading the gospel of the Pill. I shall write a book depicting the struggles women have had, and how the pill saved them, and name it the 'Pilly Scriptures'.

If you or anybody else you know would like to learn more about the 'No-baby Pill Adorators' please leave me a comment!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Ahhhh the insanity!!! 


That is the only word that describes the new season of '24'....... it is ridiculous how GREAT it is!!
I have watched the show since season one. One of my main motivator for starting to watch the show in the first place was Kiefer Sutherland, whom I have loved since 'Stand By Me' and 'The Lost Boys'. It was also nice watching, 'Phone Booth', being able to listen to his sexy voice for most of the time. Aside from the many gorgeous attributes of Kiefer, the premise of '24' is a good one. Showed in real time, each episode is one hour in length, covering one hour of our characters' time. 24 episodes in a season, and you have one damn exciting day!
In the first few seasons, there were some parts of the shows that, honestly, bored me, mainly those having to do with the White House, and all the government mumbo jumbo. I would wait through those parts, paying attention nonetheless in case any of those events would become pertinent later on. This season, there are NO boring parts! Even the scenes depicting political stuff are exciting! The first 30 mins of season 5 were mind-boggling by themselves! There is so much going on, and the suspense is unreal. I am sure that the music helps, as it seems to be even more suspense-making that the previous seasons, but the music alone is not responsible for the apparent genius that is this plot! Kiefer's character, Jack Bauer, has gone through so much in the past 5 seasons, and looking back on all of his accomplishments and ordeals, he really is the super-hero agent! I just watched the first 6 episodes of season 5 today, and I WANT MORE!!!! Why must I wait? Why am I forced to sit here, chomping at the bit, wondering and waiting to know what will happen next? AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! And that's where the insanity comes in.... Me, waiting, becoming insane!!!

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